mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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