I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
