We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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