I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
please come you make the beer taste better
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
