As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
