i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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