A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
