and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You're a waste of cheezeits
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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