Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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