I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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