we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
