Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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