Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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