if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
