I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
