Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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