Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Randomize
