i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Who died my cat blue again?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
