This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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