How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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