sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
