He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
