having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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