I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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