dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
