oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
