when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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