dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Semen is not good for contacts.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
