you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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