I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Semen is not good for contacts.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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