life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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