There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
