Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
