Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm passing your future prison.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
