Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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