Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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