they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
