she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
