I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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