I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
