dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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