I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
