I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
