He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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