I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
