literally had 100 drinks last night.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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