I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
