I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
