me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
