Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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